January 9th - The Dirge Begins

It was late last night whilst trying to urinate in the dark with my phones itorch app as my only light source that I had an epiphany. I may not possess any particularly useful life skills. Don't get me wrong, this conclusion came at least a minute after I had accidentally switched the aforementioned app to 'strobe' mode and turned what should have been a relatively simple task into some kind of nightmarish, Irvine Welsh-inspired disco piss. It came mere seconds after I genuinely felt a degree of pride at not making a mess of the bathroom and believed that such an achievement was at least the real life equivalent of 25 xbox gamerscore points. It was at that moment, the moment I saw the imaginary icons and brightly coloured health and power bars above my head like I was in a low rent approximation of Scott fucking Pilgrim that I realised that laser-guided, piss-shepherd I may be, real life human achiever I am not.

As I stood there, gorping at both the literal and metaphorical mirror with my eyes half closed and my hair stuck on end, closely resembling a deranged guinea fowl trying to beat itself in a knife fight I pondered what it was that a 29 year old of moderate intelligence was supposed to be aiming for in life. At present, like many of this planets populace I whittle away my life hours at a minimum wage institution for the terminally sorrowed, which provides all the intellectual stimulation of a feature length episode of the Jeremy Kyle show complete with directors commentary by a grey painted man composed of BNP pamphlets and carpet samples. In fact my particular place of work operates like the equivalent of a scaled down collapsed star only instead of it acting as a gravity well it consumes the following: humour, sensitivity, intelligent conversation, dreams, ambition, love, tolerance, equality and hope. I am sure many of you reading these words feel similarly about your own jobs, so in preparation of that,(and to maintain the flimsy spatial anomaly metaphor) I propose a quantum experiment based on the incredibly flawed and limited knowledge of physics I possess.

Perhaps if enough of us gather together in one place at the same time then we could maybe pool our collective anti-matter. This would be harvested from the black hole that resides in each of us, (you know, that place where you used to store your aspirations and self respect) With enough gathered we could potentially unmake localised reality and live in a constant state of immaterial flux and dark uncertainty. Wait a minute....... that's pretty much where we exist right now isn't it? On second thoughts, I might just concentrate on urinating straight with substandard illumination first and work my way up.